I Love You My Darling…
I don’t usually get emotional, and I show that emotion even less than that. Genes, being a guy, or just because my Dad raised me that way…I’m not sure why that is. It just is. Oh don’t get me wrong, you know when I’m upset or when I’m happy. I just don’t do crying or tears that well. But on occasions…
My littlest left today at 3:30am heading to Alabama with her Grandma and Grandpa. She’s been there before and I never have, so this should be normal right? Wrong. Every other significant abscence from my life at least Jamie’s (wife) been there with her. This must have somehow made it “better” because it would make me sad, but not like this morning. She is with her Grandparents so I’m sure she’s fine and probably even going to be spoiled with extra love and McD’s, but it somehow doesn’t satisfy me. I can’t control the driving. I can’t control anything. I am a control freak if you didn’t know with some OCD on the side.
I guess I shoud’ve prefaced this with Kensleigh is my mini-me. She is more like me than any of my other children and has basically been my shadow since her birth. We do everything together and are TV show close as father and daughter. I pretty much do everything with her and for her, not because Jamie can’t or won’t, but because Kensie has a fit if it’s not me. I’m ok with this because my time in the Navy prevented me from having this time with the others. I soak it up because I can, because I know how important it is and because I know how much it hurts when you can’t. She’s my perfect storm.
I have always had bad nightmares about something bad happening to her. Don’t ask me why. The crazy thing is she has always been obsessed with telling me something bad will happen to her too and for me not to worry. I have never told her my nightmares though and that scares me more. This has been going on since she was about 2…how many 2 year olds do you know that tell their Father “don’t worry Daddy when I die” just out of the blue like that.
Which brings me back to today when she left at 3:30am in the morning barely able to keep her eyes open through her tears. At this point I was doing ok, telling myself not to cry so she would be ok on the drive down there. I carry her out to their van and put her in the her carseat and buckle her in tight and check it several times…because I’m me. We hugged tight and she gave me a kiss and right before Grandpa was ready to shut the sliding door it happened. She opened up her eyes wide and looked at me. She smiled and put her tiny hand over her heart and whispered “don’t cry Daddy, I’ve got you with me in my heart forever. I Love You.” The door shut and they pulled out quickly. Thankfully. I lost it then. I’ve always for years told her not to worry that I’ll always be in her heart when she would bring up these stories about something bad happening to her. My heart is now broken for 10 days until she returns.
I still hate getting up at 3am too….